A

The ABC's of Me
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Bill Spencer
about: On The Bold & The Beautiful, Bill Spencer (CEO of Spencer Publications, an international media conglomerate) brags about himself to love interest Katie Logan and tells her to stick with him if she wants to learn more.

The Act-Out
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Some fans get carried away at concerts by their favorite bands and end up acting out the lyrics with their hands in a bizarre form of drunken pantomime.

Adirondack Rope Toss
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A woman is leading a mountain-climbing expedition in the Adirondack Mountains. She invites the narrator to join her, but he is afraid of heights and declines the invitation. Giving examples of reasons he won’t climb, he remembers his fear of climbing the rope in gym class and, also, The Price Is Right cliffhanger falling over the top of the mountain.

Afternoon Tour
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is walking on a hot afternoon day. He is wearing a jacket on a day that should be for t-shirts and shorts. He says he doesn’t need weed dispensaries, since he buys his on the streets. He tells someone they should meet down the Shore where he avoids the ocean in favor of walking on the boardwalk.

Aggro-Larry & The Dudicals
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: People are concerned because there is a war in their neighborhoods between automatons and the people they were modeled on. People lock their doors, even though Batman is out to protect them. One example of an automaton is Aggro Larry, an aggressive version of Larry Dallas (from Three’s Company). Aggro Larry has a gang called the Dudicals.

Alexander Albetserov
words & music: Joe Braverman

Alfred E. Neuman - NEEDS MUSIC
words: Brad Kleiman
about: Mad Magazine mascot Alfred E. Neuman is described via his changeable personae. References include the Mad scratch & sniff cover (featuring his image on a lemon), a Peanuts comic strip (in which Charlie Brown sees Alfred E.’s face in the Sun), a corncob with one ring of corn still intact due to the gap in Alfred E.’s teeth, and the giant Alfred E.-esque roadside statue in Winslow, New Jersey.

All Dolled Up
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is attracted to the love interest and wants time alone with her. She is all dolled up for the night.

All the Rats
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Always Hated Automated
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Ambidextrous High-Five Gang
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Joe Braverman
about: A gang that slaps people five but never warns them which hand they’re going to use.

Anatomy of a Coup (Laziza cover)
words & music: Glenn Hillman/Jim Williams

Anchovies - NEEDS MUSIC
words: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator admits that he’s not for everyone, and that he sabotages himself.

And You Thought the Ass Was Stubborn
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator discusses a number of topics. First, he talks about betting on the wrong horse. He discusses pirates seizing a cruise ship, with the vacationing passengers jumping off. There is also a warning to someone not to double-dip (it is not specified if this is in reference to food or money). Casinos run by drug cartels are mentioned, as are robots taking over the world. The narrator suggests shorting out the robots’ electricity by clipping powerlines and letting them fall into puddles that the robots stand on. The horse is discussed again as not being lured by someone’s carrot or oats. The horse’s votes are also needed, but it seems the wrong horse was backed. This could be a reference to a political candidate, or possible a metaphor regarding the race horse being coaxed to the finish line in order for the bettor to win.

Andy Warhol's Rabbit
words: Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman
music: Brad Kleiman

Animal Trap
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A Pegasus with broken wings runs toward a river for some kind of safety and companionship, but it is empty and closed off. He is sure that his days are numbered. With his broken wings, he feels he is nothing more than a fancy horse.

Anita Newbarr (a.k.a. I Need A New Bar)
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams
about: The narrator laments the fact thar Dr. Lou’s Place in Roebling, New Jersey is being torn down to make room for a new highway. He loves the bar and the small town (with its railroad tracks and history of steel mills). He’s decided he needs to find a new bar in which to hang out and has heard good things about this blues club in Linden called Robin’s Nest.
audio video: I Need A New Bar (single)

Apartment Wolves
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Apple Calypso
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Jim Williams
about: Apple Calypso is a way of life that promotes free love, entitlement, and war. In one scene, an orgy occurs, with its participants being Annabelle, Renee, Liz, and the person the song is being addressed to. There is also the appearance of mounted knight going to battle.
audio video: Apple Calypso (single)

Are We Entertainment?
words & music: Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman

Are You Happy Being a Schmuck?
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
song title: Lou Reed
about: Lou Reed is interviewed in 1975 by a journalist in Sydney, Australia. The journalist tries to outwit his subject but is no match for Lou Reed’s smarter and more vicious retorts. Sung by “Lou Reed”.
reference video: Are You Happy Being A Schmuck? Lou Reed, Sydney 1975

Are You With This Guy?
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Andrew Dice Clay
about: The narrator is cautious to talk to a girl he desires, because there is another guy sitting next to her (who may or may not be her boyfriend). But the narrator decides to take a cue from comedian Andrew Dice Clay by asking her, “Hey honey, are you with this guy!?” If he finds out she’s taken, he will leave her alone, but at least his questions would be answered.

Around the World (and Brenda's Back)
words: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams

Arthur Fonzarelli Book Fair
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A sweater-knitting, book reviewing youth gives his opinion on Henry Winkler’s new children’s book on The Drew Barrymore Show. Winkler (who played The Fonz on Happy Days) is charmed by the kid’s kind words and unique personality.
reference video: Henry Winkler Is Moved by Crochet Prodigy Jonah Larson's Review of His 35th Kids' Book

At the Quarter Machine
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator spends the day supermarket-hopping to check out all the quarter machines. He goes to Foodtown, Shoprite, and A&P. He spends all his change but is happy with the things he comes home with. He gets neon green slime, fake jewelry, and Runts candy.

At the Shopping Mall
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator reminisces about his first and only date with a women at the shopping mall. She plays a trick on him by hiding in the water fountain. He calls out a rescue squad and search team, but she was there all along. He wonders what she’s doing today. He decides to look for her and vows to get a second date.

Atlas Wars
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Charles (Charlie) Atlas carries a large atlas on his shoulders. Whenever anyone upsets him, he hits them over the head with the atlas.

Audible
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A band (Jackie Puppet) is performing in concert, and everything is going wrong. They sound bad, they’re unprepared, and every song they play is poorly received by the audience. They decided to ignore the setlist and call an audible (in this case, “Peg Leg Maria”), hoping this song will win over the crowd.

Average Listener (spoken word)
words: Joe Braverman

B

BabaBooey Forever (The Nickname Song)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: This song explains that a person does not get to choose their own nickname. They can only hope that whichever nickname they are given is a good one, since they will be stuck with it for the rest of their lives. Given as an example is Howard Stern Show producer Gary Dell’Abate’s nickname, BabaBooey.
audio video: Baba Booey Forever (single)
reference video: Bababooey Original Audio Clip

Backdoor Pilot
words: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: This discusses the concept of the backdoor pilot, in which the pilot for a new prospective TV show is aired under the guise of another TV show’s episode. The narrator is annoyed, as he feels he is being conned into thinking he’s watching the TV show he intended to watch, but as the show goes on, he realizes most of the focus is being placed on these other characters who are only slightly connected to the characters from the actual TV show he intended to watch. A specific example would be the pilot episode of Top Of The Heap being presented as another episode of Married…With Children.

Bad Band, Blair
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Darrell Soltesz

about: A band (Jackie Puppet) is performing at Dr Lou’s, a bar in Roebling, NJ. For this show, they have a different line-up that includes punk rockers like Dead Dean and John Gabriele. Tonight, the band is very loud and sometimes out of tune. The performance is being live-streamed on the internet. Watching online is a Dr Lou’s regular who is writing his opinions in the comments section. He does not like the band and says things like, “awful” (spelled “aweful”), “punk rock in Roebling?”, and “bad band, Blair” (which is addressed to his friend Blair, another Dr Lou’s regular who plays in various bands, including a recent guest spot with Jackie Puppet themselves). Blair actually defends them with his own comments, but the narrator tells him he’s just being kind.

Bad Gambler
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: At a cabin in the Catskills, the Bad Gambler, Saxy, Clown Kong, and Charlene play a dice game called Phase Ten. Charlene wins all the money, and the Bad Gambler (the narrator) wonders if he loves her. Sung by The Bad Gambler.

Bad Gift, Good Paper
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: It’s Robyn’s birthday, and Slim asks Brad to write a song for her. This is the song, which is a commentary on Robyn’s opinion that Brad writes beautiful music with often ridiculous lyrics. A bad gift hidden by beautiful wrapping paper is used as a metaphor.

Bad Idea!
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Bad Optics
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A newswoman is unconventionally attractive. The narrator used to be a toy-loving child, but now is a wild college kid. The song is somehow about doing something in public that doesn’t make the person doing it look good. There are references to Toys ‘R Us, Spring Break, Cyclops (from the X-Men), rockets, alcohol, and the Hot Topic clothing store.

Bad Schools
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Bagel Shop Hottie
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A customer at the bagel store lusts after the woman working behind the counter.

The Ballad of Sprinkles
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Barnacles
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: It’s the start of Summertime, and Jackie Martling is ready to bring out his jetty (actually, a floating piece of wood). First, he has to scrape the barnacles off the bottom.

Barnyard Brawl
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Barstool Mensch
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is a bar patron who gets very generous when he drinks a lot and ends up buying rounds for everyone. Money becomes no object for him. He even buys the CD from the band playing at the bar, whether he really likes them or not. He talks to everyone like they’re his new best friend and spends more money than he could probably afford.

Be 100 with Me
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator tells someone that he has just learned about British badgers, who eat food that foxes leave behind. He also brings up the fact that every 17 years, a certain brood of cicadas reemerges. Since he is telling the person the truth about the badgers and cicadas, he wants them to fess up about whether or not they were the one who found some daggers that had been hidden.

Beard
words & music: Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Brad Kleiman
about: Brad reminisces about the time Jackie Puppet performed at the Meatlocker in Montclair, NJ. That was the night they dressed up in bakers’ outfits, and he picked up pastries from Vaccaro’s to share with the band and audience. They talked about Slim’s beard, and Slim explained that you can’t consider it a beard unless you shave your neck.

Beer Bottle Song (instrumental)
music: Joe Braverman/Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman/Ricky
audio: Stream Beer Bottle Song by Jackie Puppet | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

Beer Garden
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator goes to the beer garden at Monmouth Park racetrack. There he samples all the different craft beers (getting very tipsy) and admires all the beautiful women.
audio video: Beer Garden (single)

Beer Tent
words & music: Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman
about: The narrator goes to the beer tent at the local fair. It only comes around once a year, so he figures he’d might as well get the most out of it, spending lots of money and drinking lots of beer.

Beetle & The Barstool
words: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams

The Biggest Dinner Party
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A dinner party is being held in the desert. The only people invited are giant-sized characters. Voltron brings chili con carne. The Colossus of Roads brings the beer. They use a mesa as a dinner table.

Billionaires In Outer Space
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The Bakers use makeshift telescopes (from cardboard toilet paper rolls) to watch billionaires (including Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos) travel to outer space. Elon Musk intends to space travel, too, but has not yet. The narrating Baker says that if he were rich (through winning the Powerball or through some other means), he would have no desire to space travel (being that he’s afraid of going on an airplane). Instead, he would use his money to buy his own bakery.
music video: Billionaires In Outer Space (music video)

Billy Boy
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Victor Newman
about: The man is a possibly dangerous but handsome and charming businessman. The woman is intrigued by him. “Billy Boy” is the derisive nickname that Victor Newman calls Billy Abbott in The Young & The Restless.

Bitter Days
words: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: A person goes to make their morning coffee, but they’re out of sugar and the milk has gone bad. Still, they need that coffee fix, so they’ll drink whatever they have, which is black coffee. They would prefer it lighter and sweeter, but they’re too tired to drive to Dunkin Donuts. They need that coffee now, so they do boil their own water and make their own coffee.

Boardwalk Advice
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator advises people never to walk barefoot on the boardwalk, which is the reason he now has holes on the bottoms of his feet.

The Bold & The Beautiful
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator speaks fondly of having discovered The Bold & The Beautiful TV show, though admits that he is having a hard time keeping up with the characters’ lineage, especially since he started watching so many years after it began.

Bolton The Articulate Bigot
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: student at Hartley High
about: On Heartbreak High, a sexy, motorcycle-riding teacher returns to the high school she had previously left after having an affair with a student (Peter Rivers). Rivers is still obsessed with her, and frequently calls her home late at night. She tries to push him away, but she can’t deny her attraction to him, and they must be careful not to get caught together. In the midst of this classroom drama, Rivers’ friend Bolton lets his own freak flag fly, often getting into trouble at school. Bolton is described by another student as “the articulate bigot”. Chirping crickets are also mentioned.

Boondoggle & The Nudnik Follies
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A series of abstract images. A stenographer wants sex. A border collie wears Moon goggles. A box turtle is in a colorform-decorated kennel, square-dancing in order to get a spring roll. A fox runs through puddles left over from a thunderstorm. A woman wears a mink stole dyed orange.

The Boss of the Boss
words: Brad Kleiman/Howard Stern/Bruce Springsteen/Patti Scialfa
music: Brad Kleiman
about: On The Howard Stern Show, Bruce Springsteen admits that his wife Patti Scialfa wears the pants in the family at home.

Boston Volcano Spackle
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: An eccentric man walks to Dorchester, Massachusetts. He is dressed stylishly, drinks Rum and Coke, and has a witty sense of humor. A volcano is covered with spackle, but that is not enough to contain its impending eruption. It is compared to a mountain lion in a lightly wrapped Styrofoam crate, which does not hold the mountain lion in.

Bowcraft Bop (a.k.a. The Reservation)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A look back at Bowcraft Amusement Park in Watchung, NJ. Some of the images referenced are the General Lee car from Dukes Of Hazzard, the arcade (particularly the game Golden Axe), and the miniature golf course (with a golf ball hit so hard that it lands on Route 22). The narrator does not want Bowcraft to be renovated in any way, as he likes it the way it is. In the meantime, he invites someone (or multiple people) to go walking with him in the Watchung Reservation.
audio video: Bowcraft Bop (single)

Box-Office Poison
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is a talented musician who plays the bars but never draws a crowd.

Braggadocio in B Minor
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: An alpha male tries to woo a hot chick, but he comes on too strong. She wants to be romanced.

Brazen Admirer
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A woman treats a man like a caveman usually treats a woman, clubbing him and dragging him into a cave for her own pleasure.

Bridge & Tunnel Banana Boat Tune
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A musician from New Jersey recalls the first time he smoked banana peels and “weed” (actually oregano). Neither had an effect. He goes to Tompkins Square Park to perform with his band (Jackie Puppet) and describes the scenes (including dancing with the singer of Dark Doves and being introduced by his bandmate Slim to a guy named Crazy Jay (from Avenue A). He feels like an outsider, as he’s not a real New Yorker.

Budweiser Wednesday
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator (a member of Jackie Puppet) is down the Shore on a Wednesday, drinking Budweiser. He admires the hot women, gets drunk, and reminisces about the time Jackie Puppet played the Stone Pony.

The Bumbling Baker Boys
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Detective Baker (from The Bold & The Beautiful) and his crew are screwing up, letting fugitives (namely Sheila Carter) get away. They’re compared unfavorably to their namesakes (the Fabulous Baker Boys and the Baker boys of Jackie Puppet).

Burnouts Parking Lot
words: Glenn Hillman/Brad Kleiman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: A group of pot-smoking hooligans drive recklessly through the parking lot for kicks.

(But Not the Horse You Rode in On)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy on a horse is not well-liked, but his horse is cool.
audio video: (But Not The Horse You Rode In On) (single)

But Tonight's Another Story
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Drinking all night is enjoyable, but the hangover’s a bitch. A friend named Rory has his own hen, and the narrator will therefore get fresh eggs (tonight, at least). Rory, by the way, has no preference for either political party.

Butterscotch Brenda
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A girl named Butterscotch Brenda is living the good life after hitting the jackpot (slot machines). She used to be a lowly rickshaw puller.

C

Cake Walk
words: Joe Braverman/Brad Kleiman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy named Jake is hired by the bakery to carry large multi-tiered cakes at big events due to his steadiness. Some of the events include a wedding by the lake and a Governor’s clambake.

Cakey, Princess of Flour
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Katie Casano
about: A superhero named Cakey transforms baked goods into energy beams to defeat the villains.

Can of Worms
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Candy Bar Dealer
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A candy bar dealer acts like a drug dealer.

Canoe Club Cult
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy and girl go to a canoe club in New Jersey for a tour. Eventually, they discover that the club is actually a cult.

Capuchins & Ocelots
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy talks about how he used to want an ocelot and a capuchin for pets. However, he never got what he wanted and feels like he’s now in captivity.

Card Catalog
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator misses the old days, reminiscing about card catalogs, bowling score cards, analog recordings, taping music off the radio, taping shows off the TV, riding a bike with no helmet, and smoking in bars.

Carolina Cat Lady
words & music: Joe Braverman
audio video: Carolina Cat Lady (single)
live video: Carolina Cat Lady October 19, 2019 - YouTube

Cartoon Colorama
words & music: Jim Williams/Joe Braverman

Cartooning the Classics (Hands Off Hogan)
words & music: Brad Kleiman

about: Classic professional wrestlers are being reintroduced as ridiculous new characters, except for Hulk Hogan who is considered too special to change.

The Case of the Jetson Rocket Heist
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Elroy Jetson (of The Jetsons) has lost his rocket and asks Detective Snooparoni to help him get it back. Elroy thinks his new girlfriend, a space alien (with 3 arms, 3 lips, and 3 eyes), stole it. The doors were unlocked, and the key was in the ignition. Snooparoni tells Elroy not to jump to conclusions, and sure enough, it turns out it was just Elroy’s sister Judy Jetson taking it for a spin.

Cash Bash Tune Tackle
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A Johnny Cash tribute concert is held at a church in Brooklyn. There is a search for a good singer to handle a particular song. Food is served by a catering company, but they only allow people to choose eggplant or chicken (not both). The narrator would like to have both, but they won’t allow it.

Catch Phrase
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Everybody needs a good catch phrase to represent themselves in a notable way. Some examples are Jackie Puppet’s “Eh, Why Not!?” and Countess LuAnn’s “Don’t be all uncool” (from The Real Housewives of New York).

Cater to the Waiter
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Cathy Catamount
words & music: Brad Kleiman

about: A woman (Cathy Catamount a.k.a. Rock & Roll Reenie) talks very openly, even to strangers. She also loves classic rock & roll.
live video: Cathy Catamount

Caught Red Pistachio-Handed
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Some food leaves evidence (including red pistachios, cheese doodles, and more).

Charlene Whittenburg (From Phoenicia)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Erin Shaiko/Scott McBride/Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman
live video: Charlene Whittenburg from Phoenicia

Cheesefoot Dante
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: During a poker game on The Sopranos, Tony Soprano tells his underling to sweep away the crumbs of cheese near Sylvio Dante’s feet while he plays, knowing full well this will piss Sylvio off.

 

Ching-A-Ling (David Bowie cover)
words & music: David Bowie
David Bowie video: Ching-a-Ling - David Bowie and the Feathers

Chopstick Pool Tournament
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is a pool player who plays on a budget. His pool room is too small for the table and pool cues. In order to play comfortably and efficiently, he decides to use chopsticks for pool cues (from Fujiyama Mama sushi restaurant in Westfield, NJ) and gumballs (from a Foodtown quarter machine) for balls. Others follow suit and this catches on worldwide, from bedrooms to tournaments.

Cinema Bizarro
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Cinnamon Glotz
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Frank Barone
about: On Everybody Loves Raymond, the narrator (Robert Barone, a cop) finds out that his wife (Joanne, nee Glotz) is a stripper named Cinnamon.

Cinnamon Toast
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Clockwatcher
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is bored at work and watches the clock all day, waiting for his shift to end.

Clusterfuck Catfight Ladies
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Joe Braverman
about: The women of Real Housewives of New York are causing quite the scene.

Cobra Caveman
words: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams
music: Brad Kleiman
about: Johnny Lawrence (from Karate Kid/Cobra Kai) is not accustomed to the modern ways. He is stuck in the 1980’s, when he had the best times of his life. He likes Coors Banquet, the music of RATT, and political incorrectness. He misses the good ol’ days.
music video: Cobra Caveman (music video)

Cocapina
words & music: The O'Brien Family/Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman

Code Name
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A con-woman is in need of a codename.

Colossus of Roads
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator drives over the Goethals bridge, which finds itself underneath the Colossus of Rhodes. He’s potentially very violent and dangerous, so anyone driving beneath him feels obligated to pay his unofficial toll.

Comedy Show
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A band (Jackie Puppet) is sad that no one takes them seriously anymore.

Common Criminals
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy still loves a girl, even though she framed him for a crime he didn’t commit.

Cool Front (and a Side of Slaw)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The kids of Heartbreak High have cool facades but are sweeter than they let on. Some of the characters mentioned are Jodie, Nick, Declan, and Rivers.

Count Bouche (Sommelier to the Stars)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Count Bouche
about: Deacon (from The Bold & The Beautiful) owns the restaurant Il Jardino. He hires a new sommelier named Count Bouche (played by J.J. Jackson). Bouche is a con-man, and his grandson Orville (a lover of corn) helps him scam his way into getting the job.

Count Rushmore's Art Gallery
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Joey Tribbiani/Brad Kleiman
about: A Count from Transylvania has an art gallery in the early ‘80s. Located at the foot of a mountain, it is not very successful. Taking inspiration from Mount Rushmore, he commissions carvings of four famous vampires on the face of the mountain. The four faces are Count Dracula, Tryptofang, Scarelene Frightenburg, and his own face. This becomes a world famous attraction, and in turn, the gallery’s popularity increases. Inspired by a line from Joey Tribbiani on Friends.

Courtside Peanut Gallery
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A musician performs an open mic (at Branded Saloon in Brooklyn). He tries make jokes, but the audience doesn’t find him funny. This makes him self-conscious, and he no longer includes banter in his performances. In hindsight, he realizes it was the audience that was the problem, not him.

Crack Studio
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: There’s a big crack in the wall at King Killer Studios (in Brooklyn). Now the studio is being closed (hopefully for renovation, but possibly for good), so the musicians have to move their equipment out of the building.

Crashpad (Brad Kleiman solo cover)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
live video: Crashpad

Crestfallen & Tickled (Postal Faux Pas)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator sends a letter to Jackie Martling, but he forgot to include a self-addressed envelope. For this reason, he is given a talking-to by Martling.

Cricket Physicists
words & music: Joe Braverman/Brad Kleiman

Crossover Event
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Characters from The Young & The Restless appear in an episode of The Bold & The Beautiful.

Cult Life
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator espouses the positive qualities of joining a cult. In the particular cult he has joined, he declares that there are none of the negative things that previously happened in Jonestown, Waco, or the Applewhite cult. He likes the calm he feels after giving up his individuality.

Curtis the Absurdist
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A young man named Curtis (from a Pop Tarts commercial) says whatever’s on his mind, even if his thoughts are absurd. There’s something refreshing about this.

Cuttin' a Rug
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator challenges actor Christopher Walken to a dance-off. He asks baseball player Willie Randolph to judge the contest.

D

Damage Control (The Graphic Novel)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy drinks too much at a party and causes all kinds of chaos. His friends apologize for his behavior.

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar (Acorn Slim)
words: Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Grace Bergere
music: Jim Williams
song title: Dan Smith
about: Dan Smith will teach you guitar. He really wants to.
audio: Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar | Acorn Slim | Jackie Puppet
live audio (Jackie Puppet version): Listen to Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar (live) by Jackie Puppet in Noise Complaints playlist online for free on SoundCloud

Darlings of the Donut World
words & music: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Dennis Young

Dartboard Dwayne
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
about: The narrator drinking in a bar, and he finds a dart in his glass of beer. He figures it must have been an errant throw by a guy named Dwayne who is well-known at the bar for his bad aim when playing darts. Once, Dwayne hit the bullseye, but it was only because he slipped on a banana peel and threw it perfectly by accident.
audio video: Dartboard Dwayne (single) - YouTube

Day-Cap
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A song about day-drinking.

Daylight Robbery
words: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman
music: Jim Williams
about: A band (Jackie Puppet) is making the scene. They arrive by limo. They’ve been told they’re legends, but a horny judge decides they’re not. The band tries different ways to gain popularity, including changing their appearance, changing their fashion, and moving back to Downtown NY. They try really hard, but they don’t expect great success. They meet a spokesmodel on the streets and invite her to their show at some downstairs club. There is also a reference to Charo.

Dazzler
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: An attractive woman is the first person the narrator notices in any room. He tells her to loosen up and kick off her shoes. It’s midnight, and she still hasn’t danced all night.

Deacon & Sheila
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A song in celebration of The Bold & Beautiful couple, Deacon & Sheila.

Deer Garden
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Despite All Our Cake
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
song title: Howard Stern
about: The Bakers (a.k.a. Jackie Puppet) are proud of all the different kinds of cake they have at their bakery. However, they are bummed out because they never win the Powerball. Sung by The Bakers.

Detective Snooparoni
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Detective Anthony Snooparoni is the guy to call when you need to solve the case. He’s a Southern man who wears a raincoat, drinks coffee, and watches Miami Vice. His various cases are listed.
audio: Stream Detective Snooparoni by Jackie Puppet | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

Dick in My Hand (Southside Slim cover)
words & music: Jim Williams
song title: Scott McBride

Dickhead Dalton
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Dalton is a dickhead. He shakes ant farms, intentionally spills coffee on himself to win lawsuits, welches on bets.

Dickhead Dolphin
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Braden Palmer

Diggin' for Gold (Southside Slim cover)
words: Glenn Hillman
music: Jim Williams
Southside Slim video: Diggin For Gold

Digidog Collar
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is arrested for graffiti in the Lower East Side (NY). He was found by the police force’s new digidog robot (which is no longer used shortly after his arrest). He argues that graffiti is an artform.

Dill Over Nil
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Joe Braverman
about: A guy who is financially poor but is thankful to at least have a pickle to eat.

Dirt Merchants
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Weed might be legal now, but we still prefer the street stuff.

Disco-Dozer
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: It’s Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park in 1979. The narrator is a disco fan and organizes a group of like-minded individuals to protest the anti-disco event.
reference video: “Disco Demolition” night, Chicago July 12, 1979
audio video: Disco-Dozer (single)

Do What I Want
words & music: Jim Williams

Donna Loves Honey
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Donna Logan (from The Bold & The Beautiful) loves honey.

Doorholder #3
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Jackie Puppet band member Brad K tells the rest of the band that he would not travel overseas if they ever get the offer for an out-of-country tour. He says they can sing his parts for him. This song also celebrates being slightly outside of the spotlight, while also referencing Roseanne Barr’s macadamia farm, vampire Scarelene Frightenburg’s pre-Halloween slumber, and the toll age takes on the body in terms of hangovers. Also discussed is the greater prominence of political correctness in modern society.

Dream Scene Reenactment (A Wedding Debacle)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A disastrous wedding is reenacted in a dream as a theatrical piece (from The Young & The Restless).

Drew Diligence
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: On The Drew Barrymore Show, Drew does her research.

Drink in My Hand (Southside Slim cover)
words & music: Jim Williams

Drinkin' On Your Dime
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator spends too much money on drinks and food at the bar. On this particular night, he doesn’t bring enough money and his friend pays for him.

Drinks Until She Falls in Love
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A starlet wakes up late, calls her driver, and goes drinking at the dance club.

Driving Range
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator likes a woman (who probably doesn’t know of his interest). He is especially happy that she lives so nearby, since he does not like to drive very far.

Dublin Skidaddle
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A person leaves a party without saying goodbye.

Duel Leaper
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A frog challenges a guy to a duel, but retreats to his lily pad when the guy accepts the challenge.

E

Ears & Beers
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator offers to listen to a friend’s problems. The narrator offers to bring over the beer, and the friend will supply the weed.

Ecstasy With You (Southside Slim cover)
words & music: Jim Williams
Southside Slim video: Southside Slim - Ecstasy w/you

Eddie Bell
words & music: Joe Braverman

Elephant Sycophant
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Eleven!
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A kids’ song about the number 11. Inspired by the Jackie Puppet (from The Howard Stern Show), voiced by Billy West.

Eliza's Lips
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A girl named Eliza pronounces that she would like to kiss lots of different men before settling down with the man of her dreams (who she has already met).

Entry Level Brides
words: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
about: A guy asks the wife of a prisoner to meet him behind the prison building (located in District X on Planet Nudelman) to fool around.
audio video: Entry Level Brides (single)

The Everyman
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The Everyman is the person with his finger on the zeitgeist. A woman (who used to be a hall monitor in high school) decides what’s cool. She’s there to answer any questions. There is an apocalypse because people supported technological progress, which led to more advanced weaponry (which in turn led to the destruction of the world). The New Agers won the lottery, but their money led to the support of the technology that led to the destruction. Still, the Everyman really knows what’s up.

Expectations (Brad Kleiman solo cover)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A songwriter is attracted to a woman. It is Summertime, and the lawn sprinklers are out. He doesn’t want to revisit his past, but he doesn’t like the present either. He plays writes and performs music in order to escape his various fears.
Brad Kleiman audio video: Expectations

F

Fad Designation Cut-Off Line
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The transitional period between the late ‘70s disco and early ‘80s new wave/new romantic eras.

FaFaFlunky
words & music: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Glenn Hillman

Familiarity Breeds Cover Bands
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A band (Jackie Puppet) complains that nobody likes their original music but will pay good money to see cover bands.

Fancy Zeus
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Fanmail Overstock (P.O. Box Song)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Jackie Martling has multiple phone lines, since he gets so many voicemails. The narrator also talks about a sumo wrestler from Orlando who now lives in a garage and doesn’t wear underwater with his pants.

Fauna Doe
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy sees a girl he wants to ask out for coffee, but she’s very elusive.

Featherbed
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator reminisces about his childhood experiences at Featherbed Lane Day Camp. He remembers an initiation ritual, campfires, being caught undressed by a girl in the pavilion, scavenger hunts for candy, salamanders under rocks, tetherball, a kid with a model plane, a talent show, and a farmer named Mr. McGregor who was rumored to shoot at kids who walked into his garden.

Ferric Oxide Never Sleeps
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Joe Bravermanabout: Dennis Young is waiting a long time for his cassette tapes of Grey Umbrella to be manufactured in West Virginia. The reason it is taking so long is because there is a shortage of gamma ferric oxide.

Field Mouse vs. Sewer Rat
words & music: Brad Kleiman

52 Pick-Up
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator loses in a card game and accuses the dealer of rigging the deck. As revenge, he invites the dealer to play a game of “52 pick-up”, in which the narrator will throw all the cards onto the floor and the dealer will have to pick them up.

57 Channels & 88 Keys
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: There’s nothing on TV, but there’s at least there’s a piano to play.

Find the Yeti
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator asks his friends to help him find the Yeti. He’s searched throughout the United States but still hasn’t found him.

Finn Found the Bebu
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Dr. John Finnigan (of The Bold & The Beautiful) has second job as a spokesman for Liberty Mutual TV ads. He’s a hero as a doctor but dimwitted as a spokesman. He sees Limu the Emu, but calls him a bebu.

Five Dollar Pull
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
song title: Scott McBride
about: Clown Kong reminisces about a bar in Knoxville where you could get moonshine for 5 dollars if you know the bartender. He also talks about his time as a circus clown, where he learned to freeze in place if elephants began to stampede. This way, they would jump over him. Also mentioned is Johnny Eck from the movie Freaks who had a routine with his brother in which they portrayed two halves of one body, causing audience members to react variously in horror and laughter.
music video: Five Dollar Pull (music video)

Flag Football
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator was told that he was going to play flag football, but it turned out to be a game of two-hand touch.

Flash Gordon
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
about: A man named Gordon is taking a walk in the Summer and is flashed by a man in a raincoat.

Flattery Acid
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy compliments a girl using bizarre imagery to describe her attractiveness. Meanwhile, Saturn is dancing and full of self-confidence.

Flipturn
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A bunch of surreal, mostly food-related images (including gorgonzola and Grey Poupon on croissants, Coca Cola, lasagna, guacamole on chips, and stromboli). Somehow, this relates to a non-violent rebellion.

Floodlight Attic
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator goes up to his attic, where he has a lava lamp and a floodlight installed. The light is for the raccoons who live there to look at all his stuff (including old records and an acceptance letter to a college in Vermont that he enrolled in but never intended to attend).

Fonzie Time
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy goes on a date in the Summer with a girl wearing a tiara. He flips up his collar to be cool like the Fonz (from Happy Days). She’s very stingy (fleeing to use the bathroom any time the check arrives), except when it comes to tipping male strippers. Still, he knows that he turns her on. He also has a wandering eye.

Fool Me Thrice
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator states it takes more than two times to convince him he’s been fooled. He needs three times. Subtle references are made to the Wicker Man, Golden Girls (“I have to say it thrice”), and Nico.

Fool of the County
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator seems to fail at everything he attempts to do (including throwing a boomerang, drawing an orangutan, bowling, making coffee, and riding a motorcycle). He eventually goes to the Balloon Festival, where he is crowed “Fool of the County”.

Fools For Favorites
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Betting on the underdog.

For the Birds
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy is popular with birds (including a parrot and a pigeon).

For the Crumbs
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A musician (BK) feels like a star after performing a successful show (at Bowery Electric, NY), but falls back down to earth the following day. He thinks about what Dennis Young says regarding record label releases (“one and done”). The musician has decided that he performs for fun, the love of music, the occasional accolades, and the release of emotions.

Formal Apologies to Shapeshifters
words & music: Brad Kleiman

The Fourth Wall
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Fox & Grapes
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A fox wishes the grapes he desires were not so high in the tree. Inspired by Aesop's fable.

Free Zeps
words: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Joaner Garrett
music: Brad Kleiman
about: A Chinese restaurant bizarrely offers free zepoles with every food order.

Frisbee Fritz
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy named Fritz is a reckless frisbee-thrower who often hits people by accident.

From Here to Hamilton
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is on a rooftop in Brooklyn. From the rooftop he can see people through their windows, trains, and UFOs. He is tired from flying on planes but decides it’s worth it for the experience. He has joined a bowling league just so he can buff the aisles. Travel makes him nervous, so he maps out his treks beforehand. He states that he’s just a mountain’s journey away (via alpaca) from his current location to a town called Hamilton.

Fruits of the Highway Vendor
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: People sell fruit on the streets of New York to make a living. The narrator admires this and also likes their fruit. He prefers it to all over New York street food.

Full-Context Sex-Appeal
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Scantily-clad and naked women are sexier when the setting is incongruous. Some examples are girls wearing bikinis as they walk through the suburbs and a Playboy model posing on a golf course.

Full Throttle (In the Grotto)
words & music: Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman

Funky Drummer Face
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The facial expressions of Prince when he plays drums in the Sign O’ The Times concert video.

G

The Gal You Met in Calumet (spoken word)
words: Joe Braverman

Game For Whiskey
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Mario (of Nintendo video games) is avoiding Donkey Kong’s barrels. The barrels contain aging whiskey, which he is in the mood for (even as he tries not to get hit by the barrels).

Game of Hope
words & music: Jim Williams
audio video: Game of Hope | Acorn Slim feat. Jackie Puppet | Jackie Puppet

The Games That You Want
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Joe Braverman
about: A guy goes on a date with the winner of the Miss New Jersey pageant. She is wearing a tiara, her sash, and a mink stole. Back at his place, she says they should play Yahtzee, Balderdash, Tiddlywinks, or Simon Says. He only has the games Upwords, Sorry, Life, and Scattegories. He tells her that she shouldn’t expect him to have any game she wants just because she won the pageant.
audio video: The Games That You Want (single)

Garland's Faux-Pas
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy named Garland always unintentionally says the wrong things to people.

Gator Golf
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: In Florida, alligators are a threat on the golf course. They are contrasted with miniature golf obstacles in terms of danger and ease of playing. It is difficult to wrestle a golf ball from a gator’s mouth.

Gawk & Stare
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy is easily attracted to beautiful women. At a bar, he accidentally spills a beer on a girl he particularly likes.

Gertrude's Stein
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A woman named Gertrude outdrinks all the guys. She prefers beer to fruity drinks. She has free cable, since her cousin is an electrician who illegally hooks it up for her. The narrator drinks with her, and they watch Upstairs Downstairs. She has a bigger beer stein than he does.

Get 'Em While They're Hot
words: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: A Taylor-Swift inspired tune comparing relationships to French fries.

Get On Board with the Team
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Howard Stern
about: A person is told to get on board with the team, to be a go-getter, and to find love.

Ghostrider (Southside Slim cover)
words & music: Jim Williams

Give That Man Some Elbow Room (Gallagher Splash Zone)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A musical artist gives an unhinged performance, and it is suggested that he is given lots of space to run amok throughout the room.

Glitch in the Matrix
words: Glenn Hillman/Brad Kleiman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: A band recalls their glory days. They currently perform on cruise ships.

A Glittering Facade
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Candy Darling/Jackie Curtis
about: A synopsis of the Anton Perich film Candy & Daddy (starring Candy Darling, Taylor Mead, and Craig Vandenburgh).

Globe Runnin'
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator and his friends (or bandmates?) travel all over the world.

Goat
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator is an actual goat who takes umbrage with the use of the term “G.O.A.T.” to describe great athletes. He lists various goat-like things he can do that the athletes can’t.

Good for You
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator tried to change his appearance to impress a woman, but he only ends up looking foolish.

Good Parking Spot, Small Audience
words: Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman
music: Brad Kleiman
about: When a band arrives to their gig, they must first find a place to park their car. Through experience, they learn that the easier it is to find a good parking spot, the more likely it is that they will have a small audience.

Gorilla Dust
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: David Lee Roth
about: The narrator warns people to stay away from him by pounding his chest like a gorilla. He compares this to various animals’ warnings.

Gourd Lot Wildlife
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Suburban wildlife has a sweet tooth for post-Halloween jack-o-lanterns.

Gravy
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Erin Shaiko
about: The writer of “Charlene Whittenburg (From Phoenicia)” is told by its subject that he got the color of her fur coat wrong (it’s green, not black). He apologizes, but Charlene tells him, “It’s all gravy, baby.”

Greetings From Roanoke
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy named Sonic Steve is in Roanoke, Virginia. He writing to (or calling) a friend named Brand who lives in the Catsills. Steve encourages Brand to join him on some kind of mission that involves bike-riding and castle-building.

Greta
words & music: Jim Williams

Guest Host Night
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A song about studio audiences going to see their favorite talk show hosts only to find that there is a guest host that night. The audience members are disappointed, but they are asked to give the guest host a chance, since they never know if they are about to see the next future star. Shows referenced include The Tonight Show, Late Nite with David Letterman, The Joan Rivers Show, and The Drew Barrymore Show.

Guinea Pig Trip
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Jim Williams
about: An entertainer is invited to perform on a TV talk show pilot. He’s offended by the offer, because he knows that not a lot of people watch pilot episodes. He feels like a guinea pig being used by the talk show host. He compares this to being invited to a rooftop party that the hosts knew he couldn’t attend. There is also a reference to Appalachian moonshine with Moon rocks for ice (or is this just a wordplay?). He performs anyway, because at least it’s a little exposure.
music video: Guinea Pig Trip (music video)

Gumdrops Eavesdrop
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator warns the Candy Fiend that his candy can see and hear, so he should watch what he says around them.

Gutterball Jamila
words & music: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Sarah Morgan/Nicole Magnani
about: Jamila is a terrible bowler, but she loves to bowl anyway. She always makes excuses for her bad bowling.
live video: Gutterball Jamila

H

H.O.T.T. (Tom Starr cover)
words & music: Tom Starr
about: A cover of a song by singer-songwriter Tom Starr (of The Bold & The Beautiful).

Hand-Stamp Action
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The nightclub doorman is big and tough. He’s intimidating, but he stamps your hand after you show him your ID. The hand stamp allows you to come and go as you please.

Handful of Aces
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A high school kid has a unique sense of style (including wearing keys on his shoelaces and dying a streak of blue in his hair).

The Hang-Up
words & music: Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman
about: A guy calls his love interest (who he’s trying to win over) on the phone and asks her to hear him out before she hangs up on him. He tells her of his attempts to overcome his many fears.
audio (Jackie Town version): Listen to Thehangup - Stupidpuppet by Jackie Puppet in Jackie Town playlist online for free on SoundCloud

Hat Tricks
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Jim Williams
about: You can’t judge a book by its hat.

He Got the EGOT
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: An actor/musician is praised for winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony.

He Who Laughs the Hardest
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Jackie Martling writes jokes for The Howard Stern Show. You can tell which jokes are Jackie’s, since he laughs harder at those jokes than any of the other jokes.

Helmets On, Pencils Down
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The things we wanted to do with our lives but it’s too late to do.

Here Is What You'll Find (Pissin' In a Forest)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The porta potty at Tompkins Square Park is full of filth. The narrator wipes his hands on dirt after getting out of the porta potty, as he decides the dirt is cleaner than anything he touched inside the porta potty. He suggests people pee in the woods if they have to, as the porta potty is too dirty.

Hey, Montauk!
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A band (Jackie Puppet) performs in Montauk, NY. They are appreciative of the audience.

Hideous Fancy
words & music: Brad Kleiman

History of Greatness
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
about: A list of local bands that never quite made it big but were/are really good (including Powder Clown & The Unbelievables, The Aluminum Foils, Southside Slim & The Arse of Crenshaw, Motivation, The Screwpickheads, The Meltin’ Sands, and Famous).

Hit Me! (I Didn't Mean That Literally)
words & music: Joe Braverman

Homemade Platform Boots
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A member of Jackie Town (BK) admires the platform boots made by his bandmate Nicole Magnani, which was gifted to him by Slim.

Homegrown & Propane
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Horns of Plenty
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: On Planet Nudelman, the members of Jackie Puppet do not judge anyone, as they admit they have their own issues. They promote kindness.

Horse
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator asks a love interest if she can handle being in a relationship with a person who is afraid of everything. He compares himself to a horse afraid of the night. Then, he compares himself to a horseback rider who comes back stronger than before every time he falls off his horse.

Horse Puckey
words & music: Brad Kleiman
song title: Ralph Furley
about: On Three's Company, Mr. Furley shouts the phrase, “Horse Pucky”. Various situations are then discussed, based on other phrases rhyming with “horse pucky”. These situations include escaping an alligator’s jaws, asking for the soundman to turn up bassist Tucky Parkis’s volume, a door that is stuck, sending a greetings card to baseball manager Bucky Dent, kicking out one’s muddy cleats on the kitchen floor, a hen with hurt feelings, and a duck who has his feet stepped on.

Horton Fears a Coup
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Political correctness runs rampant. Not even Dr. Seuss and Mr. Potato Head are safe!

Hot Hand
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A hand gesture that a guy makes when he sees a hot chick. The gesture is supposed to represent touching something too hot. The guy making the gesture on this occasion is Zende Forrester (on The Bold & The Beautiful)

Hot Sprinter
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A hot girl is stretching at a racetrack to prepare for her sprinting session. The narrator also does a lap around the track but doesn’t think she’d be interested in him. For one thing, he’s too slow.

Hydra of Hilarity (a.k.a. Jackie, Candy, & Holly)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator sings the praises of three Warhol Superstars (Jackie Curtis, Holly Woodlawn, and Candy Darling), who he thinks are very funny when he watches them in Paul Morrisey movies. He thinks they are especially great when they are together. Each Superstar is described by the narrator.

I

I Don't Want No Flowers
words & music: Brad Kleiman

I Found the Loch Ness Monster
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator has found the Loch Ness Monster, but he doesn’t want the credit. He just wants people to know that Nessie has been found. As it turns out, Nessie was in Belmar this whole time.

I Keep the Lights Off (On Halloween)
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator keeps his house lights off on Halloween, because he doesn’t want people knocking on his door asking for candy. He puts no decorations up either for the same reason.
audio video: I Keep The Lights Off (On Halloween) (single) - YouTube

I Refuse
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator refuses to believe that Sheila Carter (on The Bold & The Beautiful) is dead.

I Taste the Wasabi (instrumental)
music: Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Ricky
song title: Joe Braverman
audio: Stream I Taste The Wasabi by Jackie Puppet | Listen online for free on SoundCloud

I Wanna Go to the City
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: The narrator hasn’t been to NYC in a long time and misses being there.

I'd Like to Buy a Vowel
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy is on Wheel of Fortune and has a crush on Vanna White.

I'm a Geologist
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A geologist is sad that a girl has broken up with him. He compares the break-up to Pangea.

I'm Not a Marsupial (Keg-Stand)
words: Brad Kleiman
music: Jim Williams
about: The narrator claims that he’s not a marsupial. He also admires a girl when she does a keg stand at a party, especially since her shirt rides up when she’s upside down, exposing her breasts.

Icebag
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Ignition
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A guy is attracted to a girl and gets excited when she’s near him.

Immediate Outtakes
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: Various examples of surreal imagery. There is mention of suicide as a desparate act, not a brave act. A girl and her boyfriend make the TV news by train-hopping. The narrator tries to take photos of aliens at Roswell, but they don’t develop, so he has no proof that aliens exist. A woman named Patty (with her friend Patrick’s assistance) did a strange trick featuring a telephone wire. It was a silly trick, but the narrator laughed hard at it anyway.

Interloper
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: On Heartbreak High, an American woman is working as a teacher in Australia. She’s been there long enough to pick up a bit of an accent. She lives with another teacher but doesn’t want to sleep in a bunkbed. She goes to the skatepark to join the high school kids in skateboarding, but they didn’t want her there. She even tried to fit in by wearing shredded jeans like kids do. Unable to fit in, she goes back to the place she’s staying and drinks wine with her teacher friend.

It's Too Early
words & music: Brad Kleiman

Itching For a Fixture
words & music: Brad Kleiman
about: A dance club DJ recently purchased a table autographed by various famous musicians. He plays a song that the narrator likes enough to ask the DJ for the name of the artist. The narrator states that it doesn’t matter if a song is popular or obscure. He likes whatever he likes, and it’s popularity does not affect its coolness.