A
“Apple Calypso”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams; music by Brad Kleiman)
Apple calypso
It’s only soft if you say it is
Annabelle tiptoes
to your loft with Renee and Liz
Quadruple pow wow
Now is the time to collaborate
Tolerable sound-cloud
Crouching behind those we tolerate,
but apple calypso
is the path to entitlement
Don’t grapple with ego
It’s not math, it’s a vitamin
‘Good in small doses’
That’s the tagline we’ve jousted for,
but you all knows it
Man and equine in mounted war
B
“Beer Garden”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
In the beer garden,
I discovered Old Capital
In the beer garden,
I discovered Cricket Hill
Lots of pretty women
Lots of plastic cups
You empty them,
they fill them back up
In the beer garden,
I stumbled and I slurred
In the beer garden,
my vision was blurred
Lots of pretty women
Lots of plastic cups
You empty them,
they fill them back up
“Billionaires In Outer Space”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
From our toilet paper roll telescopes,
we watch the billionaires in outer space
First Richard Branson, and then Jeff Bezos
Elon Musk says he is on his way
If I should ever hit the Powerball
or scored some moolah in some other way,
I would not shoot for the stars at all
Shit, I wouldn't even hop a plane
I'd put my dough into a bakery
Powder some doughnuts, ice some cakes
I've never had much luck in lottery,
but you can't win unless you play
I've got two feet on terra firma
I've got two eyes, wide and amazed,
'cuz just in case you haven't heard-a,
there's billionaires in outer space
“Bitter Days”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman; music by Brad Kleiman)
Well, your sugar’s gone,
and your milk is spoiled
You’re still just waking up,
and already your day has been foiled,
but if you need a pick-me-up,
just reach for that paper cup,
and take the only thing you can still get
These bitter days
Oh, these bitter days
Open your lips
Just take a sip
Don’t throw your drip away
You like your women
like you like your coffee
Kickstand and deliver
Ain’t no Mister Softee
Oh, but you’re a real soft-touch,
and they never want enough
Well, you need something stronger than you tend to get
These bitter days
Oh, these bitter days
Open your lips
Just take a sip
Don’t throw your drip away
And still you wait
for that water to boil,
and your mind percolates,
but your engine is fresh out of oil
Otherwise, you might drive
to that donut shop just down the street
where you can get it just the way that you like,
get something that’s light, something that’s sweet
These bitter days
Oh, these bitter days
Open your lips
Just take a sip
Don’t throw your drip away
“Bowcraft Bop”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Someone parked the General Lee in my space,
But I've got pocket change and all day long to waste it
There's a golden axe in the arcade
It's the sharpest blade that I've ever tasted
You can halt the renovation
I like your looks just fine
We can walk to the reservation
if we're so inclined
Pocked ivory Titleist turned into an asteroid
Mini-golf meteorite cratered Route 22
The kind of aftermath one can't avoid,
and, in hindsight, would not want to undo
The details are too far rearview
for a perfect re-creation
But follow me, I'll lead you
to the reservation
“Bridge ‘N’ Tunnel Banana Boat Tune”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
The first time I smoked banana peels,
it didn’t change the way I feel,
but you would tell me if I’ve gotten smarter (right?)
The first time that I smoked some weed,
it turned out to be oregano leaves,
but I was always a bit of a late starter (right!)
Here, I’m an outsider, it’s true,
bridge and tunnel, through and through,
but I’ve never tried to hide the truth
Flash is fast and trash is true
Short streets and long avenues
And waiting outside, a dancing queue
I trust you like a New York cabbie
The ride is always somewhere close to scary,
but I put my faith in your mind, your hands, and your feet
Dancin’ with the dove in the Lolita shades
Runnin’ into Crazy Jay from Avenue A
If you don’t know him, you’d better ask somebody
Here, I’m an outsider, it’s true,
bridge and tunnel, through and through,
but I’ve never tried to hide the truth
Flash is fast and trash is true
Short streets and long avenues
And waiting outside, a dancing queue
“(But Not The Horse You Rode In On)”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Fuck you,
but not the horse you rode in on
You’re the only fool
I’ve got no beef with him
He just brought you in
Just you
The transport is a fine one
It’s the rider that blows
Misdirected anger
The punishment don’t fit the equine
When I’m hit by rain,
I never put my blame
on the cloud
So, fuck you,
but not the horse you rode in on
C
“Carolina Cat Lady”
(lyrics & music by Joe Braverman)
Carolina Cat Lady
How will she survive?
Twenty-five cats
Impending Cat 5
Left chow in their bins,
drinks in their tins,
and prayers that were a whisper under the howling winds
She asked forgiveness for her sins
Carolina Cat Lady
How will she survive?
Twenty-five cats
Impending Cat 5
Ignored the reporters
Turned back against orders
Blew past the cops at the watershed border.
Back with the van,
she returned in the dark,
and her twenty-five kiddies,
they boarded the ark
“Cathy Catamount”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Got a lesson from Cathy Catamount
She told me what her travelling was all about
The back and forth from port to port
So many years to follow, that I lost count
And she sings the rock & roll songs
that she came of age to
Cathy Catamount confides in strangers
She's a no-holds-barred conversator
Nothing is out of bounds
Nothing is out of bounds
Nothing is out of bounds
And she sings the rock & roll songs
that she came of age to
And she sings the rock & roll songs
that she came of age to
“Charlene Whittenburg (From Phoenicia)”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman/Scott McBride/Erin Shaiko; music by Brad Kleiman)
Charlene Whittenburg from Phoenicia,
bar queen of the mountains
Drunken villagers on their knees for ya
Car beams catch them bowing
You step out of your limousine,
black fur over sheer black dress
You get soused and you hit the green,
captured for the New York press
by the photogs from the Mohawks,
but the horndogs from Phoenicia
love Charlene the best
Charlene Whittenburg from Phoenicia,
are you sleeping in?
Can't see getting up that much earlier
than 4 or 3 PM
You step out of your limousine,
black fur over sheer black dress
You get soused and you hit the green,
captured for the New York press
by the photogs from the Mohawks
but the horndogs from Phoenicia,
love Charlene the best
“Cobra Caveman”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams; music by Brad Kleiman)
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen again
Johnny’s unfrozen
He flicks the bottle caps
He slugs the Banquets back
Boombox is still intact
He likes to crank the RATT
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen again
Johnny’s unfrozen
He doesn’t watch his speech
Shrugs off the thought police
Won’t learn new tricks you teach
Just wants to drink in peace
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen again
Johnny’s unfrozen
Thaw me out and reconnect me to better days
Check me out and redirect me to my getaway
He’s a shining light
of holding on to something tight
and keeping it going
in a world that’s mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen
Johnny’s unfrozen again
Johnny’s unfrozen
“Cult Life”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Freedom of the mind
led me to leave
freedom of the mind behind
Easier to be led
than it is to lead,
so, I let me faith go blind
And here I am,
dressed the same as her and him and all the rest
Eating what they eat
Sleeping when they sleep
It's easy, you should try it
Try it and knock it
Try it and knock it
Cult life
No drinks, no fires, no spaceships
Cult life
No drinks, no fires, no spaceships
D
“Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar”
(lyrics by Jim Williams/Joe Braverman/Grace Bergere/Dan Smith; music by Jim Williams)
E
“Entry Level Brides”
(lyrics by Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
Entry level brides
of the prison set
At the conjugal turnstile,
we intersect
Eyes on the inside
If you want to connect,
meet behind
Penitentiary District X
My chance for love has come and gone
Just want my jackpot to come around
I still see your face behind the camouflage
All things in place against the espionage
Meet behind
Penitentiary District X
Eyes on the prize
Won’t you come correct?
Meet behind
Penitentiary District X
Eyes on the prize
Won’t you come correct?
F
“Find The Yeti”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Mind the gap
Lend a hand
Find the Yeti
Crime is back,
understand?
Times are heady
I’ve searched Chicago
I’ve searched Milwaukee
I’ve searched Orlando
I’ve searched the Rockies
And I still, still, still
come up empty-handed
Fight the urge
Be a pal
Find the yeti (find the yeti!)
On the verge
Call the foul
On the ready
I’ve searched Manhattan
I’ve searched Sarasota
I’ve spoken Latin
I drank grape soda
And I still, still, still
come up empty-handed
And I still, still, still
come up empty-handed
And I still, still, still
have not found the yeti
“Five Dollar Pull”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Scott McBride; music by Jim Williams)
At a Knoxville bar,
if you know the guy,
he'll hook you up
with the good moonshine
It's a five dollar pull
A five dollar pull
Real clowns, they know to freeze
when the elephants stampede
Those monster trunks will jump you
if you know to keep still
Any real clown knows they will
When Johnny the freak
chased his other half,
most of us shrieked,
but some of them laughed
At a Knoxville bar,
if you know the guy,
he'll hook you up
with the good moonshine
It's a five dollar pull
A five dollar pull
G
“Game Of Hope”
(lyrics & music by Jim Williams)
Do you really give a damn
About a baby born in Bethlehem?
Or three wise fools who followed a star
To bring him gold, frankincense, and myrrh?
So we've been told he lived a perfect life
His fate a superhuman sacrifice
And when he'd looked Death in the eye
Returned and said "everything's alright."
Winter moves the madness stirs the sadness in the soul
Another one gone, another one down, another one's left alone
Let's put the kids the bed, so they can lie awake and wait
for a man with gifts, riding on a sleigh
but you and I will hold each other tight, sit here by the fire
knowing that love and life were always meant to die
but for now, let's pretend, and play our Christmas game
That life is good, man is kind, love will save the day
and if we play it long enough, baby we'll make it through
so with all my hope and al my heart, I'll just sing to you
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas (4x)
“Games That You Want, The”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman; music by Joe Braverman)
She's a hotsie-totsy
in a Miss New Jersey sash
She said, "Let's play Yahtzee!
Let's play Balderdash!"
I've only got Upwords, Sorry,
Game of Life, and Scattegories
Just because you won the pageant,
doesn't mean you're gonna get the games that you want
Yeah, just because you won the pageant,
doesn't mean you're gonna get the games that you want
She's a mink stole mink
with a tiara on her head
She says, "Let's play Tiddlywinks!
Let's play Simon Says!"
I've only got Upwords, Sorry,
Game of Life, and Scattegories
Just because you won the pageant,
doesn't mean you're gonna get the games that you want
Yeah, just because you won the pageant,
doesn't mean you're gonna get the games that you want
H
“Hang-Up, The”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams)
Before you hang up,
please let me say one thing
I won't take too much of your time
Before you give up
on listening
Before you click me off the line
Before we go through the same old thing
Before you change your mind
Before you hang up,
please let me say one thing
Before you hang up
I was marching in the light parade,
trying to find a cure for the night
Now I'm running with the night brigade,
trying to reclaim the light
Trying not to be afraid
I just can't shake the fright
Before you hang up,
please let me say one thing
Before you hang up
I
“I Keep The Lights Off (On Halloween)”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
I keep the lights off on Halloween
I keep the lights off on Halloween
I ain’t got no candy for you
I ain’t got no candy for you
I keep the lights off on Halloween,
so that I don't have to be seen
I ain't got not candy for you
I ain't got no candy for you
J
“Jane Crazy”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
I know a girl who loves to dance
She dances whenever she gets the chance
Jane Crazy (Jane Crazy)
But she never dance the same
And every dance gets a brand new name
Jane Crazy (Jane Crazy)
She gonna dance the Electric Eel
She gonna dance the Man of Steel
She gonna dance the Love Supreme
She gonna dance the Teenage Dream
I know a girl who loves to dance
She dances whenever she gets the chance
Jane Crazy (Jane Crazy)
But she never dance the same
And every dance gets a brand new name
Jane Crazy (Jane Crazy)
She gonna dance the Sonic Twist
She gonna dance the Bubblegum Kiss
She got a dance that she calls Off The Grid
She got a dance called the Highest Bid
Janey gonna dance, Janey gonna dance all night (4x)
Jane Crazy (Jane Crazy) (3x)
“Just Desserts”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman; music by Joe Braverman)
I'm all kinda outta sorts
Women, wine, and lindzer torts
They toy with my mind for sport
I'm all kinda outta sorts
Vanila Sundae dances for strangers
Men throw out the singles until they're poor
She uses whipped cream like it's endangered
And her splits ain't quite banana, that's for sure
I'm all kinda outta sorts
Women, wine, and lindzer torts
They toy with my mind for sport
I'm all kinda outta sorts
Cupkake reads the label on the bottle
of this here Cabernet Sauvignon
Been drinkin' with Sprinkles, pin-up model
I'd bet her and Sundae'd get along
I'm all kinda outta sorts
Women, wine, and lindzer torts
They toy with my mind for sport
I'm all kinda outta sorts
K
L
“Lady Kerosene”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
La-la-lavender
temple of love and fear
I'm the scavenger,
turkey-buzzard of the year
Let's pretend it's Halloween
Let's get dressed to kill
I'll be Lady Kerosene
You be Coup De Ville
Fa-fa fallacy,
this is the finest hour
We're of parody
of Kid Watertower
Let's pretend it's Halloween
Let's get dressed to kill
I'll be Lady Kerosene
You be Coup De Ville
“Leotard Ladies”
(lyrics by Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman; music by Jim Williams)
“Leotard Ladies” (GLOW version)
(lyrics by Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
M
“Mannequin Moved, The”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Saw a fiberglass woman
sitting in a window display
Now my world’s fast-moving,
but I stopped a minute this day
Had to take a good gander
but what I saw next sent me straight to the shrink
It’s not fake, it’s “Evander”,
I promise that I saw her eyes do a blink
The mannequin moved
I cannot give proof
Not “he said/she said”
It’s just only “me said”
Is she an automaton?
Is it the stuff that I’m on?
Would not believe it
if I hadn’t seen it
“Milliner vs. Haberdasher”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Are you a milliner
or a haberdasher?
The battle of the hatted sexes
She drinks a pilsner
He bats his false eyelashes
She sips a flirtini and flexes
Confused yet?
Well, you’re giving a sermon to the chorus
If Siouxsie Sioux said,
“Jeremy Piven’s a bird,” would you ignore it?
Are you a haberdasher
or a milliner?
I’ll ask you in a different order
Does that matter?
Does it even differ?
Is a packrat the same as a hoarder?
Are you baffled?
Well, I’m certainly no Mr. Wizard
We’ve got some waffles
and just enough snow for a blizzard
Are you a milliner?
Are you a haberdasher?
“Moose-Stag Stance”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
You’re the stripes in my Zubaz pants
You look nice when you do that dance
I look twice, then take a moose-stag stance
I take a moose-stag stance
I see Paris, but I don’t see France
I get embarrassed when I’m in that trance
You catch me stare, that’s when I take a moose-stag stance
I take a moose-stag stance
Are we hoofin’ it, baby?
Are we snow-stompin’ tonight?
Are we hoofin’ it, baby?
Are you crackin’ wise, or are we breakin’ the ice?
You look like Vanna, but just at a glance
Thought I had ya, but hadn’t a chance
The top banana wins, but still I take a moose-stag stance
Yeah, I take a moose-stag stance
Are we hoofin’ it, baby?
Are we snow-stompin’ tonight?
Are we hoofin’ it, baby?
Are you crackin’ wise, or are we breakin’ the ice?
N
“Nessie”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Doesn't the Atlantic intimidate,
even fixed to its limitations?
Might as well be outer space
No end from my location
Glued to sonar
Tracking visitations
Nothing so far
Practicing my patience
Nessie, wear you be?
If a man can walk across the country,
what restricts her to one sea?
If a man can walk across the country,
what restricts her to one sea?
Glued to sonar
Tracking visitations
Nothing so far
Practicing my patience
Nessie, where you be?
I can't find her, but I'll never give up...
Nessie!
“North Wind Bugaboo”
(lyrics by Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
Meet me on the corner
at a quarter to five
If I’m late, just hang around
until I arrive
What’s shakin’, Shaiko, baby?
Look at you go
Hill, we’ll lay low
Keep it movin’ afloat
And I wanna get down
Never gonna live it down
Sure like to see and be seen
I’m comin’ to town
“Zen Allana Zee!
She’s looking like a photograph!,”
said the Monchhichis
as they’re known to do
Seems like it’s alright,
the calamari, have a bite
Do what you long to do
Stand in the ocean
Quarterback open
Wear a pair of pelican shoes
Baby like’s it steamy
Oh, my word
Give me rock & roll
Never take my control
North wind comin’
North wind comin’ through
North wind comin’
Sayin’ that it’s nothin’ new
Break it down
Girl fears just one little kiss
is crossin’ the line
She’s dipping dandelions
right in the wine
Don’t get all caught up
in your enemy’s game,
‘cuz anger never wins
the war against shame
Stick to your guns
The north wind’s comin’ through
That cage that’s in your zoo,
is just a bugaboo
O
“Opening Day”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Well, it's opening day
Well, it's opening day
Well, its opening day
at the track
We wanna watch the horses
We wanna bet on the horses
“Oregano”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
That's not acid
It's just a stamp
That's not an orgasm
It's just a cramp
That's not Lou Reed
Kind of sounds like him, though
That's not weed
That's oregano
That's not wine
It's Welch's grape
That's not a monkey
It's actually an ape
That's not butter
Kind of tastes like it though
That's not weed
that's oregano
P
“Polar Bear King & The Fisherman”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
I was fishin' for compliments,
and aIl I got was trout
I was campaigning' for prominence,
but I got voted out
Next time, your guitar should be pre-tuned
Next time, you should sing no more than two
Next time, you should play up on the roof
We did not come down here just for you
To loud in the morning
Can you keep it down?
Sounds like thunder storming
Too early for these sounds
The polar bear king
did a cameo
on the after-dinner news
Salt water
and Winter snow,
they rhinestone his white jumpsuit
Next time, your guitar should be pre-tuned
Next time, you should sing no more than two
Next time, you should play up on the roof
We did not come down here just for you
We did not come down here just for you
“Pond Hockey”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Some people ice skate
Some people ice fish
Some take photos, some paint landscapes
I prefer a different dish
When the pond freezes over,
I put on the blades
Rev up my inner motor
I make tracks, not waves
I play pond hockey
My slapshot is a rocket
If you tell me I’m too cocky,
then you’re being out of pocket
I keep my critics in line,
or else just freeze them out
It's more than just how I unwind
It's my life when birds go south
When the pond freezes over,
I put on the blades
Rev up my inner motor
I make tracks, not waves
I play pond hockey
My slapshot is a rocket
If you tell me I’m too cocky,
then you’re being out of pocket
“Preemptive Boyfriend Strike”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman; music by Brad Kleiman)
She cut me off
with a preemptive boyfriend strike
She must have seen
I had her in my sights
It doesn’t even matter
if she told me the truth
or if she magically conjured
up a guy, like “Poof!”
Wasn’t gonna try to woo her,
but she sensed that I just might
Q
R
“Rock & Roll Reenie”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Yeah, you all know Lippy Mick
And you've heard of Gracie Slick
But do you know Rock & Roll Reenie?
Everyone's into Ziggy Sane,
Leather Lou, and Sweety Jane
But who's hip to Rock & Roll Reenie?
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna peacock strut
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna tell you what
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna call the shots
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna lease the yachts
Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock & Roll Reenie!
Yeah, you've seen that Iggy dance
Dressed in just his shoes and pants
But have you seen Rock & Roll Reenie?
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna peacock strut
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna tell you what
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna call the shots
Rock & Roll Reenie's gonna lease the yachts
Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock! Rock & Roll Reenie!
S
“Scarelene Frightenburg (From Transylvania)”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
“Scuba Bob”
(lyrics & music by Joe Braverman)
If ever was a man
At ease with manatees,
It was Scuba Bob
Friendly with anemones
Ocean currents were his breeze,
Jellyfish, his stinging bees
Whales would entertain him with their tales.
He reached out to the hammerheads; they were glad to clip his nails
He led a bubble life, kept secret from the boaters and their sails
And the only times he didn't feel well
Were the times when his mask didn't seal well;
The trouble was the bubbles that escaped due to his stubble
Detective Snooparoni once called upon Bob (with a heavy sigh)
"I've got a case with a heavy lid.."
Bob said, "Yo, Tony, I'll help you (before the ink runs dry); I'll help you find your squid .
All I ask from you, for my help, is a quid
and a big ol' bag of kelp; (It is my favorite dish).
And remember: It takes a village to raise a man, but a manta ray's a fish”
“700 Hefty Bags Of Pot”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
“Slow Work Day”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Rubber band balls and paper clip bracelets
It's a slow work day
Staring at the walls
There's so much time, how do I waste it?
It's a slow work day
So I'm gorging on a piece
of gorgonzola cheese
and I'm forging a Matisse
Gonna sell it on the street
Pencil chewin' and pen-cap flicks
It's a slow work day
No tongue-glue-in', yeah, no envelope licks
It's a slow work day
So I'm gorging on a piece
of gorgonzola cheese
and I'm forging a Matisse
Gonna sell it on the street
It's a slow work day
“Standing In A Forest”
(lyrics by Jim Williams/Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
Boys, tell this world
This, my prayer, this window
Shut, it’s for the world
Standing by his woman
on a citizen’s time
All I am
is all I got,
a blend of soft light
and soft sighs
Another broken story
Painting and a-stitching, then get off
He wrote me another of his stories,
and never wanted yours
Time is up
I pulled my lust
A lady loves this man
The boy of your
distorted shore
is soft light
and soft sighs
Standing in a forest,
sinking down to the road
Pause by a sidewalk stylus
I want my juice, she’s mine
I grabbed my charging story
Up my leg, the storm has started
She’s got love
It’s all in her
soft lies
soft sighs
“Staten Island Rinkadink”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
Got a pair of sparkling,
baby blue roller skates
Not a care for anything
that I can't tolerate
Great party, though
Feel like a marble on the edge of a plate
It's an art, y'know,
looking this graceful on roller skates
It's roller disco time
This is not roller derby
I can go for a twist of lime,
but don't ya squirt me
And I'm not even holding a drink
I'm a ditzy dumbbell, but I'm no cheap date
Give me a beer and clear the rink
I'm a glitzy gazelle when I'm on my roller skates
“Stephanie, For One”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
Don't be discouraged, Byron
There's plenty of girls for you
Stephanie, for one
There's lots of babes inquiring,
"Who's that dream come true?"
Stephanie, for one
Give yourself a little more credit
You can get some girl reaction
Grab a hold of a chance when you get it
Don't shy away from interaction
Lots of ladies love Byron
There's Stephanie, for one
The sea's full of fish who'd
love for you to real them in
Stephanie, for one
Just take a dip in the water
There's an ocean of women
Stephanie, for one
Give yourself a little more credit
You can get some girl reaction
Grab a hold of a chance when you get it
Don't shy away from interaction
Lots of ladies love Byron
There's Stephanie, for one
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“Those Little Dracula Bites”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Ronnie Mund; music by Brad Kleiman)
That ain’t a hickey
That’s more like a puncture
Love can be tricky
when you’re a blood-hunter
But she likes, she likes, she likes
those little Dracula bites
Yeah she likes, she likes, she likes
those little Dracula bites
Now she’s fangin’ it, too
since she was vampire-bitten
She turns it ‘round on you
You couldn’t be more smitten
Because you like, you like, you like
her Vampirella bites
Yeah, you like, you like, you like
her Vampirella bites
“Timeshare Nightmare”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman; music by Joe Braverman)
Theme park's on me
One whole day for free
Ain't it shaping up to be
a great vacation?
Get your free tickets,
but first pay me a visit
Come listen to my little
presentation
They say nothing's for free,
and now I know it's true
Now I am aware
I'm in a timeshare nightmare
You'll only do that for me
if I do this for you
I've become ensnared
in your timeshare nightmare
Cool Atlantic breeze
Newly planted trees
Sweet, fresh honey from local bees
Complete relaxation
We cleared away the thickets
Upgraded all the spickets
It's acute, as cute as cute gets,
and you cannot dispute this
They say nothing's for free,
and now I know it's true
Now I am aware
I'm in a timeshare nightmare
You'll only do that for me
if I do this for you
I've become ensnared
in your timeshare nightmare
“Tonsil Hockey Pocket Pool”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman/Joe Braverman; music by Brad Kleiman)
Let's go hop to the sushi place
It's Saturday
Want some sake and rocket fuel
Bento box, then back to your space
I'd rather play
tonsil hockey than pocket pool
I need a new hobby
not squandered in haste
I want to taste the wasabi,
same as you taste
“Trixie”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman)
“Twenty-Two”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
Let me be your waterbed
Sleep swim into me
Let me be your bobble-head
I'll never disagree
Let me be your nasal spray
Keep your blow holes free
Let me be your tanqueray
You're tonic to me
I love my Big-League Chew
It makes me feel Twenty-Two
(2x)
Let me be your dalmation
Spot me in a crowd
Let me be your Peter Gatien
Limelight your doubts
Let me be your symmetry
That's called good grooming
Let me be your Alfred E.
in a Mad Magazine
I love my Big-League Chew
It makes me feel Twenty-Two
(2x)
U
V
“Vortex”
(lyrics by Brad Kleiman; music by Jim Williams)
I went to New York City
to meet Slim outside the concert hall
It was early January,
the day before the coldest day of all
And while I was waiting
for Slim to finally show,
I killed time by stickering
the Carnegie walls with our logo
A burnout in a wizard hat
begged for extra tickets with song titles
A couple scalpers had a spat
over something territorial
I stayed overnight and woke up queasy
Set off for the station on foot
In the vortex, the world was freezing,
but I was bundled up real good
W
“Weed Wagon”
(lyrics & music by Brad Kleiman/Jim Williams/Joe Braverman)
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